So yeah, I wisited my family in Ichenheim and had a lot of fun with
them.  They cooked delicious delicious food for me, gave me presents,
a room with a bathroom and shower all to myself, and all the free
delicious beer I could drink.  I even managed to watch the first two
films of Der Herr der Ringe (Lord of the Rings) in German and learned
a lot of German that way.  I didn't speak any English to them and they
spoke very minimal amounts of English to me, so I brushed up quite a
bit on my speaking skills.

But then Saturday night rolled around, and they left to do there thing
while the girls from the town who volunteered to pick me up came and
took me out.  I was alone in the house waiting for a word from them
when the doorbell rang at 7:00.  I answered it and it was the most
stunningly gorgeous German girl I may have ever seen.  Her name was
Simone, and she told me what the plans were for the evening--to go to
a bar in Ichenheim and then to a club in the nearby small city,
Offenburg.  She would come pick me up an hour later, at 8:00.  She
spoke to me in English until I responded in German, and she seemed
extremely nervous, blushing when she saw me.  I misinterpretted this
as a sign that she found me attractive.  As I later came to realise
she was probably just nervous because she was afraid her English might
not have been good enough for me.

So 8:00 rolled around and the whole time I was very nervous wondering
how I was supposed to deal with an extremely beautiful girl who found
me attractive.  But when she came to pick me up it seemed that all of
her nervousness had dissolved, and she took me in her car to the bar
on the outskirts of the town.  I expected to find the other girls who
would be coming along waiting for us at the bar, but we were the first
ones there.  And as this was an extremely small town and every person
knows everybody else, she found someone she knew right away and sat at
a table with HIM.  Immediately my bubble began to deflate.  She
introduced me to the guy, who has a weird name I don't remember that
starts with a P.  He asked me the standard, where are you from? what
do you study? how long are you staying in Germany? questions, which I
clumsily answered because they were in weird-dialect form, and then I
sat there for awhile while the two of them spoke to each other and I
tried to understand what they were saying but couldn't decipher more
than a couple of words per sentence.  I ordered a beer, thinking we
were there to drink, but she ordered a soda.

In a few minutes, Julia arrived, and I said "Hallo" to her and
she sat down at our table.  She didn't say anything else to me.  She
just ordered a soda and sat quietly in the corner.  I can't remember
if I told you the Rheinfest story, but when I was here back in May I'd
met this girl at a small music festival and we were both incredibly
drunk and she was quite obviously interested in me as I bought her
drinks, gave her cigarette after cigarette, danced with her, and got
her phone number at the end of the night.  I took this as a great
victory, giving me hope that picking up women was not quite as
impossible as I'd imagined.  But the next couple of times I saw her
the only thing she did was apologise to me for being so drunk the
other night, and she definitely did not seem interested anymore.  I
concluded that she had only been interested because she was drunk.
Then when I heard that she was one of the girls who was interested in
hanging out with me that weekend I rethought the whole thing and it
seemed that she might be interested after all.  But as soon as she
came into the bar and said nothing to me it was absolutely confirmed
that my earlier assumptions had been correct--she was in fact only
interested due to the drunkenness.

So more of the girls came in and the guy left the table and soon I was
the only guy sitting with five German girls.

So after I had another, smaller beer (to kill the ridiculous
nervousness I was feeling) and they all had a soda and we played
stupid card games (including Arshhole, which is Asshole in German in
case you couldn't figure that out--and I was the Arsh for most of the
game) we left to go to the club, taking three separate automobiles.
Julia, by the way, did not come.  Not that I gave a shit.

So we drove to the Music Club Offenburg, and I discovered the devil's
earthly residence.  Satan is a DJ at the Music Club Offenburg, and
this place is--beyond any doubt--Hell on Earth.  Admission to Hell,
incidentally, is 4 Euros and 50 cents, but you also need to pay 50
cents to hang up your coat.  When we arrived I thought it was pretty
crowded, because no matter where you stood in the hallway outside the
main bar/dance-floor area, about 12 people would nudge by you every
half a minute.  After waiting on a line to have our coats hung up, we
went into the main area, where the music was so loud you couldn't even
hear a person shouting into your ear right next to you.  There were a
total of 5 bars in the one room, and a giant dance floor covered with
fake snow (the them was Fall).  Above the floor hung a giant disco
ball, a rigging with lots of coloured lights which spun colourful
patterns on the floor, and huge paper Icicles.  The party now
consisted of me, and 3 German girls including Simone, one moderately
attractive girl and one not-so-attractive one.  We found a bar with
four open stools and sat down, observing the party.  I was wondering
when they were going to start drinking, because fuck knows I was going
to need a lot of beer to enjoy this.  But they didn't drink at all.
They just sat there, watching the party and occasionally making
comments to each other, no doubt about the various guys on the dance

We sat there for probably an hour, although because this was Hell time
moves much slower and it seemed to me like 6 hours, the girl sitting
next to me turned to me and shouted in my ear in German.  Not only did
I not heard what she said, but what I did hear was incomprehensible
because, after all, it was in German.  When it was clear I didn't
understand, Simone came up and shouted even louder into my ear in
German, and I managed to make out s few things, about how normally
this was better but tonight it sucked and they were thinking of going
somewherer else, like maybe to a smaller bar.  I made it clear that I
was in full support of this idea, but she sat back down and we sat
there for like another half an hour, which of course to me was three
hours.  I kept wondering if they had changed their minds and if I
should go order a beer because I was way too sober to handle the
current situation.

The DJ, Satan, was playing non-stop loud, German techno, and shouting
at the top of his voice with the microphone turned to top-volume
(often using both English and German in the same sentence) about how
fake snow fell from the ceiling how ES SCHNEET (it's snowing) SO IT'S
he played a song which I didn't recognise but which apparently is a
popular German dance song because all of a sudden the previously empty
dance floor became filled with Germans doing some strange, bizarre
German line dance.  There were about 20 of them dancing like robots,
17 men and 3 women.  The girls continued sitting and talking to each
other about the various guys they saw (this is only an assumption but
based on how they were pointing at the guys on the dance floor while
talking to each other I assume it's a correct assumption.)  So we sat
there until I was just about to get up and order a strong, strong
drink, then we left and went back into the hall.

I thought it was crowded before, but it turns out when we arrived it
had been relatively empty.  Now you couldn't even move out in the
hallway without elbowing through a sea of German teenagers.  And God
help you if you wanted to stand in one place, because every half a
minute, at least 46 people would elbow by you.  The girls kept bumping
into people they know and talking to them for 5 minutes (half an hour)
each while I stood there with my hands in my pockets, behind my most
paranoid eyes as Germans continued to bump into me again and again.
Finally they decided to get our coats and leave.  That naturally took
20 minutes (two hours) and finally we were back outside in the fresh,
cold, rain-filled air.  The line out the door literally stretched to
the edge of the parking lot.  That is NO EXAGGERATION, my friend.
From the edge of the parking lot, up two flights of stairs, Germans
from all over Offenburg and surrounding town were actually waiting on
line to get into Hell.  I couldn't believe it.

So the worst was behind me, but now the party of three girls I was
with had grown, as three other girls joined in, one of whom I remember
from Rheinfest, an extremely attractive girl named Tanya, and another
who looked exactly like the actress from Natural Born Killers (who you
could put on my list of celebrities I find attractive) only slightly
more attractive.  We stood out in the rain for a good half an hour (a
REAL half an hour) debating what to do.  They suggested "ins Kino
gehen" (going to the movies) a few thousand times but I think it was
just a joke.  Other ideas included going to Europa park (the giant
six-flags-like amusement park) where it was Oktoberfest.  But this I
believe was also just a joke because, after all, it was cold and
raining.  I was particularly glad it was cold and raining, because it
fit my state of mind perfectly.

But eventually Simone lost patience and yelled at everyone saying
she'd rather be doing anything other than standing there for a half an
hour talking about what to do.  So the three other girls got in there
car and drove off and the three girls I was with originally packed
into Simone's car and we drove off in search of a bar that the girls
knew and trusted.  It took forever to find a parking lot with free
spaces but eventually we did, not before finding the other car with
the other three girls and shouting at them across the road to meet us
outside the Eis-Cafe (ice cream cafe).  So we parked and waited for
them in the rain outside the Eis-Cafe for a good twenty minutes before
we saw any sign of their car, which we saw pull into the parking lot
across the street, but then waited another 10 minutes before they
actually made it to us.  Then they decided on a destination and we
headed off down the street to the Palazzo where they could drink
Eis-Kaffe (ice-cream coffee).

The weather took a turn for the worse at this point, which made me
smile.  It started raining harder and lightning flashed off in the
distance every now and then.  As we were walking through the rain and
the girls became soaked--which is of course a huge turn-on, making the
beautiful ones at least twice as beautiful--it dawned on me that if I
was a normal person I would be enjoying this.  Here I was in fucking
Germany hanging out with a bunch of beautiful German girls.  To any
other guy it would be a fantasy, but to me it was a nightmare.  I
accepted that my mood was not going to change just because of a
thought like that, and I would continue to be miserable for the rest
of the night.

When we got to the Palazzo it was closed, but there was a small open
bar right across the street (actually in the MIDDLE of the street as
the streets in Germany are fucking strange) so we went inside and the
7 of us all pulled chairs up to a table in the corner and checked out
the menu.  The waiter came and took everyone's orders.  The girls
ordered first, most of them getting Eis-Kaffee with one or two getting
tee or some other weird non-alcoholic beverage, and I ordered a
Bitburger (my favourite Pilsner).  The girls looked amused, but I
didn't care.  My brain NEEDED beer at this point, and beer it would

So there I was, sitting in a German bar in Germany with Germans.  I,
the only guy in a party of 6 girls, 5 of whom were at least moderately
attractive, 4 of whom were at least very attractive, 3 of whom were at
least supermodel-level attractive and 2 of whom were mind-blowingly,
heart-breakingly attractive: Tanya and Simone (the only girls of the 6
whose names I remember).  And none of them were the least bit
interested in me.  It was as though God was dangling extreme beauty
right in front of my face just to show me what I can never have.
"Look at these extraordinary creations of mine, Kyle.  Go ahead and
try to talk to them...oh wait...YOU CAN'T because YOU DON'T SPEAK
GERMAN!!!  Hahahahaha...Jeses fucking Christ I'm so funny.  Now open
your mouth while I ejacualte on your face!  Ha ha ha!!!"

Tanya was talking about how she's going to America on Tuesday, so I
assumed she would ask me a couple of things.  She asked me one
question, which I assumed was how long am I staying in Germany and I
said 1 year, but everyone laughed at me and she asked again, and I
gave another wrong answer until Simone clarified to me that she was
asking how long my flight here took.  So that was the big question.  I
said 6 hours, but it takes longer going back.  And that was the last
time any of them talked to me, except for when I took out my
cigarettes and offered them to anyone who wanted one.  Three of the
girls, including Simone, accepted with a "Danke Schön" and that was

I drank two beers as quickly as I could but was still not nearly at
the level of drunkenness I wanted to be at, but the girls were ready
to leave.  Much to my delight, we were right in the middle of the
storm, lightning and thunder erupting everywhere, furious cold rain
pouring from the skies.  I couldn't have asked for more appropriate
weather.  We dashed along the streets, the girls finding shelter
wherever they could, under awnings and bus-stops, but it was futile,
and all of us got soaked.  The three girls who'd met us left and we
said good-bye.  That was the last I would see of Tanya.

Simone asked me if I would like to go home or go somewhere else,
because she was going to stay out but at least one of the other girls
was going back.  I'd made up my mind to ride this ridiculous wave to
the end, so I lied and said it didn't matter to me and I wasn't tired.
 If we went somewhere else I could order more beer, and the more I
drank, the more amusing and less horrendous the situation would
become.  So  we got back in Simone's car and we headed back towards
Hell where the other car was still parked.  But they tuned the radio
to a station broadcasting the party, and Satan was no longer playing
techno.  The music was now actually pleasing to the girls, and I began
to get a little scared.  As we pulled into Hell's parking lot, the
song being played was Shania Twain's "I Feel Like a Woman" with the DJ
turning down the volume every time she sang "Oh oh oh oh" so that the
Germans could drunkenly shout the line.  Apparently the girls thought
this was deliciously fun and they all decided to go back inside.  This
being my most hated song OF ALL TIME I had absolutely no desire to do
that, not to mention I'd rather die and go to the ACTUAL Hell than to
go back into the Music Club Offenburg.

So I asked if anyone was still going back, and told Simone I had no
desire to go back.  She looked dissappointed but agreed to take me
home.  The other girls got out to go party and I took the front seat
and Simone drove me back, listening to the madness on the radio for
the whole 15-minute drive, during which the storm calmed down.  Just
before we reached the house where I was staying I apologised for being
so boring, (which is, "Es tut mir leid, dass ich so langweilig bin" in
case you ever find yourself needing to apologize for your lack of
interesting things to say to German girls).  She said a couple of
incomprehensible things to which I only responded, "ja ja ja."  Then
we were back and I thanked her for everything and said good-bye.  I'm
pretty certain that I will never see her or any of those girls ever

Back at the house I proceeded to get fucking wastedly hammered, smoke
cigarrette after cigarette in an attempt to die of lung cancer by the
end of the night (which failed unfortunately) and write the most
angry, wasted journal entry I've ever written in which I clearly tell
myself that if I ever believe again that any girl could be interested
in me I deserve a good dose of reality and a firm slap in the face.
There is no Hope, there has never been any Hope, and there never WILL
be any Hope.  Only lies.  To live is to lie to yourself.  The only
Truth in life is death.  And the most comforting thought for all of us
is to know that no matter what, WE WILL ALL DIE.