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Jesus Obama

August 18th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

In a comment to yesterday’s blog post, RedPossom (whose blog is really worth checking out) compared Obama to Judas Iscariot, an appropriate analogy only insofar as both of them are famous for betraying those who trusted them.

But Obama is not a disciple—he’s a leader (or at least in a position of leadership). So that got me thinking about how differently the events of the New Testament would have gone if Barack Obama had been the Messiah.

At the wedding in Canaan, when asked to turn water into wine, Jesus Obama would have taken out a little flask of his own wine and poured it into the water, saying “It’s not everything we might have wanted—it may be a little diluted—but I have succeeded where others who came before me have failed, and now this beverage is three percent closer to being wine than ever before!”

When the crowd of five thousand people came to Jesus Obama begging to be fed while only a few loaves of bread and fishes were available, he would have chopped the bread into crumbs and sliced the fish into sushi-sized morsels to be distributed to the crowd, saying “This may not be everything you were hoping for, but it’s a good first step towards satiating your hunger.”

When the lepers approached Jesus Obama begging to be healed, he would have told them that he was working on it, but that he really needed the approval of a majority of his disciples in order to cure them permanently.

After promising to walk on water, Jesus Obama would have just floated on his back, and then expressed frustration with his followers for not being sufficiently impressed by this.

But the most important promise—the primary mission of Jesus Obama—was to be crucified for the sins of mankind. After being arrested, Jesus Obama would have met behind closed doors with Pontius Pilate and worked out a deal whereby he would only have to be up on the cross for a few hours as long as he agreed not to let his disciples write anything derogatory about Rome in the gospels. He would have then asked God to at least pardon a few sins here and there for the sake of his public image, and upon stepping down from the cross would have called it “the most sweeping pardon of mankind’s sins in generations.”

Ironically, when the disciples of Jesus Obama would have written their accounts of this time, they would have exaggerated his miracles and his contribution to the point where they would have been indistinguishable from the gospels we actually have.

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