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Don’t Give Up, Sarah Palin

There’s a lot of speculation going on as to the reason behind Sarah Palin’s resignation as governor of Alaska and what she intends to do in the future. Some say she’s positioning herself to make a run for president in 2012, while others believe she is getting out of politics for good. As someone who deeply loathes Sarah Palin and everything she stands for, I sincerely hope it’s the former.

From the time I was 11 to the time I went to college at 18, I grew up in a very rural, white-bread part of New Jersey, surrounded by more-or-less conservative kids and parents. I developed a strong hatred for “soccer moms”, whom I knew as either mothers of my friends or friends of my mother. Most of them fit into the archetype of the middle-aged, conservative, arrogant know-it-alls who love to hear themselves talk and believe that all their opinions are inherently right by virtue of the fact that they just know. These women used to piss me off enormously, and Sarah Palin fits that bill completely.

The self-described “hockey-mom” is exactly one of those kinds of people who think they know better than everyone else, and perceive the world as though everyone else is out to get them. They constantly see themselves as helpless victims and can’t stop dwelling on the trivial bullshit of each and every perceived sleight against them. Palin went after Letterman for making a bad joke, after blogger Shannyn Moore for reporting mere rumors of corruption, and has blasted the “liberal bias” of the mainstream media at every opportunity. She’s great at playing the victim, the political outsider who stands unafraid to take on the system and stand up to the “old boys’ club” by not operating under the “same old politics as usual”. If you don’t like it, you’re just a godless liberal elitist who can’t handle her maverickyness.

Of course, in actuality she’s just as much a ruthless game-player as the rest of them, if not moreso. She abused her office as governor at every opportunity, most famously in the famous “troopergate” scandal where she fired her head of law enforcement for refusing to fire her sister’s ex-husband. She played politics with the stimulus package, attempting to turn away funds that would go to education and social services for the sake of scoring some political points with the hardcore right-wing base. Worst of all in terms of her character, she’s used her children as props for political purposes, presenting her knocked-up teenage daughter as a poster-child for teen abstinence (as ironic as that is) and her baby with Down’s Syndrome as an example of why she made the right choice in not getting an abortion but that nobody else should even be allowed to make that choice. While focussing on her national ambitions she has virtually ignored the day-to-day business of running the state of Alaska, and her gross incompetence has resulted in such an overwhelming pile of bullshit that eventually she had no means of escape but to resign a year and a half before her term was over.

This week she wrote (or more likely had someone write for her) an op-ed for the Washington Post about why Barack Obama’s cap-and-trade plan is a bad idea. I read it with an open-mind, as I also think cap-and-trade is a stupid idea, but apparently not for the reasons she thinks so. There was almost no substance whatsoever in the article—just a bunch of railing against Obama’s excessive spending and how the only real answer to our energy and global warming problems is to drill more oil.

What worries me is that this may be indicative of the new direction she’s going with her career. She may actually be trading her power-ambition for her money-ambition. And she knows that she can make lots of money as a political pundit, which would allow her to spout her mouth whenever she wants without having to worry about that annoying little thing called accountability.

We’ve seen politicians take this road before, most notably in the case of Karl Rove. When he worked for the Bush administration, Rove was a legitimate target of criticism due to his hand in making actual policy. But as soon as he became a Fox News pundit it was as though he stepped above the fray and immunized himself against any attacks. Now he wasn’t responsible for anything, he was just stating his opinion, and if you didn’t like it all you could do was make a counter-point.

There’s no such thing as accountability for pundits. Just look at Bill Kristol, who’s gotten everything wrong from insisting that the Iraq war would be a huge success to believing that Sarah Palin would be the deciding factor that would win John McCain the presidency. As wrong as he’s been nearly all the time, he still gets invited to write columns and appear on the talk shows.

Should this be the route Sarah takes, we’ll have to deal with all of her ignorant bullshit for years and years, as whether you love her or hate her she certainly knows how to draw an audience, and ratings will follow wherever she goes. Because she won’t actually be running anything, the emptiness of her ideas won’t be as apparent as they were when those ideas were put to the test—and failed miserably—during her brief tenure as an actual elected official.

I really really want her to run for president in 2012 just to see her lose big. So far she hasn’t been explicitly rejected by the American people, and if she doesn’t run we won’t have the opportunity to hand her that rejection. If she doesn’t attempt to go for the glory, she won’t be able to not achieve it, and I won’t be able to laugh at her and experience that cathartic moment I’ve been dying for—the moment when she suddenly realizes that God actually hasn’t had her back this whole time, that’s she’s a complete fraud and almost everyone knows it, and that everything all those mean and nasty bloggers have been saying about her was completely true. She is deeply unqualified to be in any position of responsibility whatsoever, let alone the president of the United States. I really wanted to see her try, because I really wanted to see her fail, to see her holding back the tears at her concession speech before tucking her tail between her legs and crawling back to Alaska in shame.

So please, Sarah, don’t give up on your dream. Just keep on praying, hunting, suing people on groundless claims of slander, lying about your past, pumping out babies, race-baiting Obama, firing up crowds of gun-toting rednecks, and butchering the English language in every speech you give. Do it for hockey moms and soccer moms everywhere. Prove that arrogant know-it-all bitches can dupe millions of Americans into believing in them, but that ultimately they are all full of shit and that no matter how much lipstick you smother over a pig, it will always be a pig.

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