[Originally written in a private journal. Back-posted in 2011]
Today was another extremely beautiful day, so I knew I couldn’t let myself just sit around the apartment again. On my walk home yesterday I noticed a really cool-looking building nearby, and resolved to go check it out today. It turns out this was the actual Rathaus that the book I’d read had spoken of, and that “Rathaus” really does mean “City Hall”. This was just another, far better-looking one.
It was only a fifteen-minute walk to get there, and I noticed that you could go inside and apparently go up to the dome at the top where there must be a pretty spectacular view of the city. I decided to walk around the building first, and found that there is indeed a very lovely area with a pond and trails all around. Much nicer than the Stadthalle.
Right across the street I noticed a pretty substantial body of water, definitely not natural because it was almost perfectly rectangular, but I had also read about this, the “Maschsee” as a great place to go jogging. So I decided to walk all the way around it.
I was feeling pretty good when I began my journey. This was definitely going to take some time, so all I had to do was walk around the lake and I could go home feeling that I had “seized the day”. But as I walked, I very quickly began to notice something very disturbing. Not only were there tons of people all around, but apparently this is where all the hot girls hang out. There were dozens and dozens of them, all out there on the edge of the lake or on the grass, in their bikinis and sunbathing, either with their friends or their boyfriends. I couldn’t walk ten feet without seeing one.
But I kept walking on, still in good spirits. There were definitely a substantial number of joggers, so I know I can head back there to jog without feeling weird. A lot of bikers. A lot of old couples. A lot of hot young girls. Don’t think about that. Just keep walking. Keep appreciating that you’re living in Germany and this unique and beautiful place is just a twenty-minute walk from your apartment.
At one point I was startled to hear the sound of the English language being spoken behind me in very thick accents. A man and a woman, neither of whom were from any English-speaking country, just walking along and talking about work in English. I wanted to turn around and say hello, just for the hell of it, and I kept waiting to hear something in the conversation that I could respond to, but it was all business-talk. They were walking pretty fast though, so just as they were about to pass me I forced myself to turn around and say, “I’m sorry, I can’t help but understand you.” They smiled. “It’s just very strange to hear people speaking English, and neither of you seem to be native speakers. Are you practicing English for business?”
Well, they were very nice about being interrupted, and explained that he was German and she was French, so they had to use English to communicate because it was the only language they could both speak. They asked about me, I said I was from America and had come here to teach English. Then they walked on, the woman said, “Nice day” and I said, “Yeah, you too,” and that was that. Spontaneous human contact. No biggie, but I was glad that I had done it.
Anyway, I continued walking and reached the top of the lake, where there was a little man-made beach at the end with a bunch of sunbathers and girls in bikinis, so I didn’t spend much time checking it out. You had to pay to get in, and I didn’t even want to LOOK at it much less GO there. As I walked past it towards the trail that crosses to the other side, a really beautiful girl on a bike rode in and stopped at an ice-cream stand. For some reason she stood out in my mind. Just this beautiful girl all alone riding her bike to the Maschsee. About my age but maybe slightly older, a perfect body, long wavy black hair, and very distinct and beautiful facial features not typical of most Germans. I just walked on by.
As I was heading along the trail along the bottom of the lake (or the top, whatever it was), I was looking for a good place to sit and admire the view and take it all in and appreciate my surroundings and whatnot. Most of the benches and spots along the edge of the lake I had seen so far were already occupied, at least all the good ones. But I found what was definitely the best spot on the whole lake, under some beautiful trees and looking straight out across the entire body of water. There were four benches when I spotted them, and only two were taken. But just as I was getting there, a young couple took one of them, then a couple of bikers passed me and took the other. So I just stood there behind all the benches, hoping maybe someone would leave, but they didn’t. I tried admiring the beauty just standing there, but all I could think about was how if I had just gotten there seconds sooner…
So I started walking again, and that beautiful girl on the bike rode by me. She looked even more beautiful the second time, and this time her presence managed to bother me.
On the corner before the trail started going back up (or down), there was another really nice spot, but two really hot girls were already there. It was a pretty big area and there was definitely enough room for me, but I just figured the girls would probably be miffed if I just came up and sat there. They had found the spot first, so I should just let them have it. Maybe next time I’d find it open.
A bit further down, I spotted the bike-girl sitting on one end of a bench. There was definitely enough room for me to sit down, but I was still thinking about how it would be rude to take a spot that someone else had gotten to. But there she was, this very same extremely beautiful girl whom I’d already seen twice and who was now very much a part of my consciousness, just sitting there waiting for me to come and sit beside her. But my legs were in motion. I had about 3 seconds to decide whether or not to go for it, and since this just wasn’t nearly enough time to psychologically prepare myself, I walked on by. Immediately I began to regret it. What if that had been my chance? What if, had I asked her if I could sit there, we would have started talking and I would have found the love of my life? I mean, how often does the opportunity to go up and sit next to a really beautiful, apparently single girl, come along?
I should turn around. I should just go back to the bench and sit down while I still can. I should….oh fuck. There she goes.
And indeed she had already gotten back on her bike and was now riding away out of my life forever.
So that pretty much ruined everything. Tried as I might, my brain just wouldn’t let it go. I found I could no longer appreciate anything. I did eventually find a bench and I sat down and tried to “take it all in” and everything but I just felt shitty—physically, mentally, emotionally. To top it off, a minute after I sat down, some other woman (middle-aged and heavy-set) sat down at the other end of the bench, thus proving that apparently it is perfectly acceptable to take a seat on a bench that only one other person is sitting on. I could have done it without being imposing at all.
But, I thought to myself as I got up and walked on, I look and feel like shit. I haven’t trimmed my beard in over a week because the German electrical outlets and their super-high voltage killed my beard-trimmer and I haven’t bought a new one yet. Plus I had just thrown on a shirt this morning that didn’t match with my pants so I looked like a fool. She would have just laughed at me. Had I sat down, I would have just sat there staring at the water, trying to think of an excuse to turn and talk to her, but she would have got up before I would have done so and rode away. Then I would have felt even worse. True as they were, these thoughts were not much consolation.
The rest of the walk sucked. This side of the lake was much nicer than the other side had been, a lot less people and a lot more green, but I couldn’t appreciate it. I just kept looking around hoping that girl had stopped at another bench. Occasionally another really hot girl would come along and pass me by.
Finally I completed my circuit around the lake. It had taken about an hour and a half to get all the way around, and my legs were fucking tired. Now I crossed the street back to the park at the Rathaus, and tried to admire its loveliness but my brain was just being a total bitch so I didn’t stop at any one spot for long. I also knew that it would be pointless to go inside and up to the dome and admire the view, as I couldn’t admire anything anymore. I stood looking at the Rathaus across the pond, and in my entire field of view, with all those trees and water the building itself, all my mind was focussing on was the hot girl sitting on the steps of the building.
I realised I just had to get back to my apartment, smoke a cigarette to help hasten along my intensely, intensely desired death, and unload all of this crap into my journal.
I took a wrong turn on my way back of course, but shortly after I noticed things didn’t quite look right I pulled out the map I had taken with me just in case, not at all wanting to wander around the city again, and got back on track. And I made it back, smoked that cigarette, and now here I am and I’m getting it out of my system.
The biggest consolation was looking in the mirror and confirming that I do indeed look like shit, that had I tried to come on to that girl she would have almost undoubtedly repelled my advance anyway, and then I would have felt much much worse. But at least then I could have felt good about having tried. I can’t deny that there had been that opportunity, and in having only 3 seconds to decide between having balls or a pussy, I made the pussy-decision. I am totally fucking hopeless.
The next time I go back there I will be looking at every bench, just hoping to see some other beautiful girl sitting by herself, and then I will be very much prepared to sit down and try to talk. Of course I know that if I’m mentally prepared for it, the opportunity most certainly won’t come about. Fucking hopeless.
Anyway, it could have been a really nice day. I went out and took a lovely walk through a beautiful area, surrounded by trees and water and beautiful buildings and everything. But my fucking brain wouldn’t stop bitching, and the whole experience just ended up sucking big-time.
Why am I even alive? What good am I for anybody? The only people who love me are A) my parents, to whom I am currently nothing more than a drain on their bank account, B) my grandparents, to whom I am nothing but a constant disappointment, C) the rest of my family who I almost never see so they don’t count, and D) my friends who I am only in touch with through e-mail so I’m not doing much for them either. I am certainly not doing any woman any good by providing her with my incalculable tons of stored up Love, nor am I doing any good for a child whom I could also give my Love as well as clothe and feed and teach about the world. I am a completely useless, worthless individual. Just sucking up more of the planet’s oxygen, spewing out more carbon-dioxide to hasten global warming, draining the world’s water and energy ten times faster than two-thirds of the world’s population, and imposing my miserable and depressing presence upon all who know me.
Meanwhile, good and wonderful people, or at least people who are loved and needed by other people, are dying every day. And I just keep on living. Oh Death, what the fuck is wrong with you? I’m right here!!! What the fuck are you waiting for!!?!?!?